sooOoooOo the boy from this story and i have been hangin out lately and we went on a couple of dates

it’s so different for me to be doin this whole dating thing and like romantic stuff. usually i just do friends-with-benefits shit bc relationships make me so nervous. i also don’t have time for a boyfriend, i need 2 focus on myself and my life 

buuuuuut i rly rly like this guy. he’s one of the sweetest boys ive ever met. it’s different for me to be involved with a nice guy. he asks if im okay when we’re hooking up, he checks in on me and my friends, and he has genuine interest in myself and my life. 

we bake cookies and watch netflix together. we sit side by side and talk. he showed me his sketch book. i told him about how my forehead is uneven. we kiss each other goodbye. he kisses my forehead. he helps me out.

the whole problem is with me though.

when i lay next to him at like 3am in the darkness, i can just make out the faint outlines of his face and his body, and i desperately wish he would break my heart before i break his and consequently my own. and i keep my eyes open when we kiss. and sometimes i silently cry next to him when he’s asleep. 

last night i sat next to his peaceful, sleeping self, and i had an anxiety attack. i wanted to rip the blankets off of me and run out of the room, down the hall, into the rain outside, and never return. but i sat there and i stayed.

i won’t ever tell him this but as i laid wide awake, i hovered my lips over his bare back……i could feel the warmth emanating from him 

and i mouthed to his sleeping form, “why can’t you see how im rotting from the inside out”

he’s such a good soul, a good person. he has the best of intentions, and he embodies everything good. and the way that i perceive myself is just not worthy of that at all.

“we accept the love we think we deserve,” and i definitely believe that i don’t deserve him, and yet here i am, continuing this thing, that i know will burn out because of me.